Hubby and I had a heated moment of words today. Call it what you want, but to us, it looked like a fight. *gasp* Yes, I admit it, we fight. I think it was about the kittens, or boxes, or something stupid. It was basically an "sling ugly words at each other" thing, which neither of us enjoyed or felt better after. After the fight, we didn't talk for a while. We just sat in our own little worlds doing our own thing. We calmed down, and were in better moods a while later. We still weren't talking, but we weren't fighting anymore. I went ahead with our dinner plans, and made his favorite meal. While I was cooking, he came in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around my waist, and apologized. We talked about it a little, and we made up. Still a little sore about it, but this is good. Which brings me to my thoughts. What causes this? Why do we say things we don't mean and don't want? We both love each other, and that is obvious, even when fighting. We don't throw stuff at each other, don't hit each other, don't degrade or humiliate each other. Is it a moment of weakness? Being tired? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? And once the reason has been discovered, what do we do then? How do we learn from it? How do we prevent fights, and increase positive communication from now on? What can we do/ say/ read? How can we show our love for each other, while overcoming a disagreement?
Hubby and I love each other. And we love the Lord, and are grateful that we have been blessed with the gift of Him, and with each other. That is obvious and openly expressed. But these moments are not ones we want to have a major part of our relationship. So I am interested in what you have to say. I am open to all advice, suggestions, and discussions. We will be forming our ways between us, but I would like to know what works for you and what works for you. We want our marriage to work, and work well, so we are willing to do what it takes. Well you get the point. Thank you for your feedback. Hubby and I both appreciate it.
Hubby and I love each other. And we love the Lord, and are grateful that we have been blessed with the gift of Him, and with each other. That is obvious and openly expressed. But these moments are not ones we want to have a major part of our relationship. So I am interested in what you have to say. I am open to all advice, suggestions, and discussions. We will be forming our ways between us, but I would like to know what works for you and what works for you. We want our marriage to work, and work well, so we are willing to do what it takes. Well you get the point. Thank you for your feedback. Hubby and I both appreciate it.
18 comments:
I think it's hard to say, because everyone fights so differently and for different reasons. I've read a lot of marriage/relationship books over the years just because I was so scared of falling into some of the bad habits I've seen around me. Are you familiar with John Gottman? I love his research, he has a marriage lab which is like an apartment where he observes couples interacting. For me, I think a lot of it stems from desperation to be heard and for my needs to be met that can sometimes lead me to act in ways I wouldn't normally. I do make a very conscious effort though now to communicate and "fight right" and it does make a difference and have better results - even though in the moment it isn't as cathartic as a good yell ;) But the fact that you're paying attention to it and working on it is what makes all the difference in the world between marriages that succeed and fail.
Here's what causes "intense communications" in our marriage (haha, love that term!)
- Someone being too tired, too hungry, too stressed puts us both on edge
- Not addressing underlying issues (big things we might be blaming each other for) causes us to fight about stupid stuff
- Patterns we grew up seeing with our parents sometimes repeat themselves
I think also part of it is just the complexity of living with another person and learning to process your own feelings. You will be lightyears ahead if you figure out before you have kids, what are the signals that mean you're overloading on negative emotions, and how to get yourself cooled down.
It's also great to figure out what are the hot button issues that cause disagreements a lot, and be careful to communicate about those issues only under the best circumstances. For instance - G and I can only talk about money during pre-planned budget meetings! Otherwise he asks me questions I can't remember the answers to and it freaks me out and we end up fighting!
SO maybe you need a pre-arranged kitten meeting? :)
Personaly, I have found that if you are mad just walk away and take a break from each other, then when you are both calm, discuss the issue, me and my husband used to fight alot, and we would realy get mad at each other and yell, over the years we have learned to leave each other alone until, we are both calm and then discuss the issue, that way there is no mean things said and no yelling. I hope this helps.
When it comes to basic fighting (fights over nothing in particular) I find it falls under the 'overwhelmed' category. That's my personal experience anyway. It usually comes from me being tired/annoyed/etc for outside reasons, and then something little just sets it all off.
I think the best thing you can learn from it is learning to recognize when there's a genuine problem, or when it's just being overwhelmed. Also--how to fight fairly. After I've calmed down, when I've got some time to myself I like to think about anything I overexaggerrated about--just anything that wasn't fair to bring up in the argument because it had nothing to do with anything.
I also like to think about all the small things that were touched on that I know will come up again because they're small nagging problems we haven't spoken of outside of arguing. I like to discuss those things during the make up conversations, when everything is calm and we're both in an understanding mood and can speak rationally again.
That said, that's about how our arguments go. We argue and split off and then one of us starts loving on the other and we discuss everything.
What causes a disagreement? Individuality. While we can be in a relationship, and we can love them with all our hearts unconditionally, we are still individuals. Those who love the most are usually also the most passionate... and there are times when there will be a difference of opinion.
However... a difference of opinion does not mean there is a difference in heart. It's important to remember that, and while it may pain you to do so... and it is VERY cliche'... you should never go to bed angry or not speaking.
In the end... just chalk it up to being human... but then love and forgive divinely.
K and I try to practice something we made up called "benefit of the doubt." In the moments that we are angry, we try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. He is not the enemy, he is the man I married. Before we say awful things we try to figure out if there has been a misunderstanding or miscommunication. Also, we're BOTH quick and eager to apologize. That is the hardest part though. Apologizing is usually equated with accepting blame when it's just as easy to say, "I'm so sorry your feelings were hurt" or "I'm sorry that happened to you" without meaning that you are at fault.
Well I don't know if I can tell you a "fix" but I can say that every marriage has these. If people say they don't, they are lying. Many differnet things can lead to these disagreements. The important thing to remember is that no matter what you love each other. Truely I think if we as humans got along every single minute of every single day our relationships may not be healthy. Some of the disagreements my hubby and I have had int he past have lead to discsussions of other things, so to say everything happens for a reason is not that "far fetched" here. Sorry I don't have a direct answer for you, just know that this is normal. *HUGS*
I think it's just "life." I think fighting is good, but only if it's constructive, and not ugly-- so it's more like a debate. We try, hard sometimes, to not yell and be ugly-- sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. However, we do have a "Not right now" and we both say it, me more so because I'm the heated one! It is just a warning of "I'm too upset, and I need to calm down before we talk."
Fighting in marriage is definitely a process!! Whatever you do, don't keep stuff bottled up because you think you are going to fight if you don't. Too much of that will get you feeling as though you are being controlled.
I think it's good to fight sometimes because it keeps your relationship in check. (I'm not saying to start one on purpose. Just saying that it's normal and healthy to fight as long as it's not dangerous OR emotionally hurtful)
It's interesting to me to read the other responses here, because my husband and I also fight more when one or both of us is tired, or stressed, or overwhelmed. We've been together since 1985, when we were 18 and 17, and we have always had the kind of relationship where we can (and do) say anything to each other. Sometimes we feel like we have to yell to get our points across!
I really do feel that there has to be that safety in a marriage to be able to say anything, even if it is ugly or unpleasant. For us personally, we aren't going to be able to prevent fights. I think part of the reason we fight is because we do love each other so much, we do care so deeply about our marriage. If we didn't, either of us could have just walked away. But we aren't going to do that, so we are going to hash out our differences even if it means yelling at each other. Does that make sense?
I think the absolutely most important thing you can do is apologize, no matter how hard it is, as soon as possible. And it's really hard when you just want to apologize and move on and the other person is still upset about the fight and doesn't want to talk.
I know this is the longest comment reply in history, but I have one more suggestion. You know eHarmony, the dating site? Well they also have eHarmony marriage. They hired me to do a site review earlier this spring, and both my husband and I filled out the marriage questionnaires. You can see each other's answers to questions about money, intimacy, gender roles, communication, and it's really interesting and revealing. We were surprised at some of our answers! This is the link: http://marriage.eharmony.com/, and the Marriage Action Plan is FREE! I really think it is worth doing.
I know it's hard, fighting, but like I said, you wouldn't fight if you didn't care so much. I really believe that to be true. And you have your faith to keep you on the right track as well. Does your church have a couples group? Message me anytime if you want to chat, darlin'. HUGS!
Hi--random visitor from FMH.
I think a lot of these kinds of problems come from the fact that as a society we don't teach good communication skills, and we don't learn good ways of expressing what we need or what we are feeling.
I don't really think these dynamics are the fault of any one person (I have some beefs with society in general on this front, but won't bore you with the details)
Anyway, the best thing that ever happened to my relationship was that for other reasons my partner and I went though facilitation training. Now when we fight we have a whole set of conflict resolution tools to help us work out what's really a problem, what's a symptom of a different problem, and when we are just hungry.
I created a Squidoo lens with some of the books/resources that helped me so if you are interested, check out the resources at the bottom of this page
When I say mean things to someone during a disagreement, it's usually because I'm feeling hurt myself, and the way I express it or retaliate is by trying to say something to hurt the other person. Kinda passive-aggressive, I know, but I recognize it so I try not to do it. "I feel hurt because....." usually leads to a much more produtive conversation than "You are such a _______, ______, #%9&#@ _______!" :-)
I think disagreements are a good thing, though, so long as you work them out peacefully without hurting each other. Never disagreeing would pretty much mean you are exactly the same, and that would be just plain boring!
Sounds like you guys apologized and made up, though, which is a great sign that you will probably improve next time you have a disagreement. It's a process. ;-)
Don't be so hard on yourself! It is completely normal for a married couple to argue now and then. If you didn't there would really be a problem.
There are so many reasons that couples argue its hard to narrow it down. I've seen a lot of broken marriages in my family and have a couple reasons I think it didn't work out.
First, put God first in your marriage. When that happens all the other relationships seem to fall into place, including your relationship with your spouse. It sounds like you guys do that so you are doing awesome.
Second, put your husband's needs ahead of your own. I know that is a hard pill to swallow and it takes a ton of practice. The amazing thing is when you are both following God and putting each other's needs above the other's, marriage is a whole lot easier. (Notice I didn't say easy!!) Sometimes I do things for husband that I really don't care for just because I love him. He always returns it tenfold. Sometimes I think we are trying to outdo the other one!
With all of this said, you are human and problems will arise. But, it is always God's will for a marriage to work so there is always an answer to any problem, not matter how big or small.
I hope that helps just a tiny bit!! :)
Sometimes you just need to pray for the "Second" between thought and words....that moment where you can totally and fully grasp the consequences of what is about to fly from your mouth.
When emotions get heated and start flying through the air as words (arguments) they tend to FEED and grow off of whatever negativity is there...
As hard as it is at times...it's best to TRY to walk away..let the heat cool down and wait till the rational thought process isn't so charged to really take a look at what you may be freaking out over...
I definitely agree with what some others here have said. I think fighting often stems from two issues:
1-- One or both of the couple are tired, hungry, or just a little grumpy. I think this causes 80% of me and my husband's quarrels.
2-- There is an underlying issue that isn't being addressed, but it causes frustration and some resentment.
I think one of the most important things I have learned in my marriage is to realize that my husband would never intentionally hurt my feelings. He may do it sometimes because he's grumpy or he just doesn't think about what he's saying, but he would never actually want to hurt me. Once I realized that (you'd think I wouldn't have to actually realize that-- I'd just know) it totally changed our marriage. I was a lot less defensive. And whenever we get in those grumpy or frustrated moods where all we can say are those little jabs at each other, we often "press the reset button" and poke each other on the arm (and it can be a little hard if we want if there is a little residual frustration) and then move on from there.
So, I didn't really offer too much of why this happens-- because I really don't know. But I definitely think fights usually stem from being tired or hungry or from some underlying issue that needs to be addressed.
We all know that marriage isn't always a smooth ride. Wedding vows take this into account: 'For better or for worse..'
But when things go wrong in marriage it's easy to worry and think: 'That's it - now the marriage is on the way out and going down hill'.
Nothing worthwhile is always easy
The best and longest lasting marriages often have tough times in the same way that a great ship may go though storms once in a while - doesn't mean the ship is about to sink or that the voyage is over. A good ship is built expecting bad weather.
Maybe some marriages have come to a natural end but it's also true to say that many people give up on a marriage too soon. Above all you both need to remember that no matter how bleak things seem it is possible for many marriages to get back on course.
It could be that you both have external pressures such as money issues or in law issues or child issues. Or it could be that your personalities are clashing at the moment and you haven't yet reached compromise over certain areas.
Any voyage can have storms
When a ship is coming out of a storm it doesn't just happen instantly. There are little signs that things are improving, the boat travels smoother, the air feels calmer, sunlight comes through a little more.
And it's the same for your relationship. The important thing is to stay calm and to know what to avoid and what to aim for to make relationships work.
I just caught this linked on my blog, and forgive me, but I'm too tired to read thru all of the comments all of these wonderful people left you (I haven't been to bed yet *gasps*). I just wanted to leave my response.
First of all, I wanted to say that I've been in three really long term relationships in my lifetime. The first was a mere 13 mos (though it seemed super long at the time- I was 16). The 2nd was Superdad, and I'm sure you've read about what a winner he was. And now, my wonderful husband. We've been together since Maddie was barely crawling. She turns 7 in October.
The first advice I have, is never say anything you don't mean. This I learned the hard way. Superdad and I used to fight all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME. And although I never really said things I didn't mean, sometimes I did try to be hurtful, and it never helped anything. It sure didn't make me feel better in the end, and all it did was escalate the fight.
I NEVER say anything I don't mean now. It just doesn't come out of my mouth. Now, I've said things and thought, "crap, I really didn't say that outloud did I?!" but I've always meant it, and it's always been truthful. I've said things that aren't in my best interest, but that I totally mean (ie. "If you really don't like living here, maybe you should leave.")
Most of the time I choose to bite my tongue about things, and swallow it, because I despise fighting. All Superdad and I did for a few years was fight... I'm so over screaming my brains out until my head feels like exploding. Now I just ignore and go to a different room.
I'm the type of person that if I don't clear the air right away, it stews and gets 10x worse... so I can't just walk away when I get angry. But I never ever say anything that I don't mean. And it's not unheard of for me to say, "You know... I love you SO MUCH, but you are pissing me off SO MUCH right now."
I also don't like to leave or go to sleep angry. I'm PETRIFIED something bad will happen while we are on bad terms and didn't have a chance to make up. I will even go so far as to swallow everything I am feeling, just to be able to say I love him and to drive safe, give him a hug and a kiss before he walks out the door if he's leaving for whatever. I can't let things be unresolved and then be separated from him. I would feel awful if something happened, and that was the last moment I had with him. Corny I know.
I don't wanna mislead you. We fight. But I've learned that fighting doesn't have to be screaming. I also have learned from the past that you can argue and still say what you mean. And Screaming doesn't do anything but give YOU a headache, and make the other person angrier.
Did I ramble too much? I seriously need to go to bed. It's almost 7am.
I hope I helped. Sorry if I didn't. Have faith that it will get better. Just remember, the good isn't good, without the bad. The bad makes us appreciate the good so much more ;)
Thank you all, for your support, your advice, and for sharing your own stories and experiences. I know Hubby and I will make it, and we are in this together, but it also helps to know that everyone else goes through this too. We are dealing with some difficult family stuff right now (between my cousin, my grandpa, and his mom, we are barley holding on!) and I am so glad to have friends that are so wonderful and supportive. Thank you for all that you have said. We will be having a Planned Discussion this weekend, and I'm taking notes on some of these tips I think would help us. I'm glad to say, we are both open to improving communication and our relationship.
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