Disturbing Stuff

***If you have a sensitive mind, follow the guidelines of what to read in this blog. It has been edited for you.***

So tonight, I am sitting here at work, thinking about things. And I realize how tired I am. I haven't been sleeping lately. At first I was blaming it on some recent stuff that has happened (I will go into that in a minute), but I am starting to wonder if there is more to it than that. Today I was emailing a friend of mine back and forth, and we were talking about improving our lives and ourselves. I have been making a strong and conscious effort to be kind and understanding to everyone. Not only that, but to make peace with some people in my life. That means I am having to go WAY out of my comfort zone (remember how I am terrified of people?) and take a stand. I am emailing and apologizing. I don't really expect anyone to change their attitude towards me at the first email. But I have seen some positive communication. That is something I specified in my emails- that I wanted an open, honest, and KIND line of communication for both of us. So far, so good. I still have some work to do, but I can honestly say, I have seen some improvement and I feel better. I am making a good effort. When I think back on things I have done in the past, I am not happy about some of them. But now, I will be able to look back on them, and say I did what I could to apologize, fix them, help build people that I have broken, and make things right. I probably won't get friendships out of it, but I will make peace. For me, and for them.

***Stop here***

As for the "recent stuff" I am dealing, have you ever dealt with something, and then have it not leave your mind. After taking Sweetie to the vet and having to watch him treat her foot, I haven't been able to get the image of it out of my head. *Get ready for the tough stuff* It was gory and bloody and messy. . . and now it is haunting me. I see blood and gore everywhere. Not just of Sweetie, but of people and unidentifiable things. When I am awake, I have images that come into my head and I can't get rid of them. I see "blood" when I look around a room. I have tried concentrating on things, but I am constantly disturbed by the images. When I try to sleep at night, I have dreams of it. I don't see things in my dreams that are causing this to happen, I only see the effects of it. I see the blood and gore and horror on walls and floors and everywhere. I can't seem to get away from it anywhere.

***Start here***

I feel like I am a walking candidate for therapy or something. I don't know if anyone else out there has ever dealt with anything that has haunted them, but I sure could use some support/ friends/ suggestions/ peace of mind right now. I'm not sleeping at night, and I'm distracted, disturbed and cranky during the day. Selo has done everything he can to help me, from rubbing my back every night to extra hugs and loves during the day. He is always sure to mention me in our morning and night prayers, and I am starting to feel some relief. But I know this is hard for him to carry all on his own, so anyone out there that can help, please let me know. Message me, IM me, or better yet, email me (if you need my email let me know).